I Will Give God My Fears and My Fatigue From This Illness

wild-flower“My soul finds help in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my Rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” (Psalm 62:1-2)

It is late winter. Cold, gray and blustery. Generally every year after Christmas, I have a “crash.” That is a time when my autoimmune diseases flare up, and I have an unusual amount of pain and fatigue. At first it is a few weeks of big pain. The kind of pain where your skin hurts, even to the fingernails. Trying to lay still on a wrinkled sheet is intolerable.

The pain season usually lasts a few weeks. Then I move on to my “beached whale” mode. That is such a time of fatigue that sometimes I feel too tired to breathe. I have to ponder the idea of opening a can of soup, or making a scrambled egg.

These two seasons are generally over by late winter. The crash time has happened every year for nearly 20 years. I already considered the fabric of my year and planned ahead for it. After a busy Christmas season as a minister’s wife, I would stock extra groceries, clear the calendar, and allow for my forced rest time.

But as I write this now, it is the middle of March. After many doctor visits, many tests, I have been diagnosed with Autoimmune Peripheral Neuropathy. Tests show that the circulation in both legs is nearly gone. I should not be able to walk, but I can still, just a bit. This diagnosis along with 21 years of fibromyalgia, and 10 of Sjogren’s, add up to pain and fatigue. Then as a side note, I have a permenantly broken foot.

I do not know if the pain and “beached whale fatigue mode” is going to be my new normal. I am used to pain, but the pain I have just after Christmas has not left yet. All of the boundaries have changed in the past year.

I am afraid. But when I take my eyes off of me and look to Jesus, I know that He is my “Rock and my salvation.” He has never once failed me in the 21 years I have lived with this disease. I am a pastor’s wife, and raised my family in the parsonage, and have always had the strength to do what He wills for me to do.

If I just keep my eyes upon Jesus. “Trust in Him at all times, O people, pour out your hearts to Him for God is our refuge,” says Psalm 62:8.

Prayer: Dear Jesus, I do trust You. With my whole heart I trust You. I do not know what the days ahead will bring, with my health, and my pain. But I know You hold the future, and You hold my hand. Amen.

About the Author:
Sandra Platt is a writer, minister’s wife, and mother of 2 adult kids. She loves to share of God’s grace through writing, and being part of her church family. She enjoys reading, baking, and when her hands let her, Cross stitching.

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What things are making you afraid pour out your hearts to God. It helps me if I write them down in a list or a prayer. Keep this list in your journal or desk top; then when times come that you are afraid you will have visible proof that you already gave that fear to God.