My home is filled with clutter. Some areas I try to keep neat, yet others, such as our guest room, remain an embarrassing mess. I have made excuses for this disaster, but a deeper reason besides laziness exists that allowed this room and others to fill with junk. Keeping this room full of useless things and shutting the door was seemingly less painful than facing the harsh reality: the reality of an empty room never to be filled or used by a child.
My survival tactic for battling countless years of infertility remained the same: hide the mess behind closed doors and pretend it doesn’t exist. The scar tissue that blocked my fallopian tube gradually began to block my heart as well. Though I thought I had surrendered this area to the Lord, committing to enjoy my life and look for other blessings, the truth is after years of unending heartache I shut the door and gave up.
It was not enough for me to know that God would hear my prayers of anguish. I wanted–even demanded of God– a prompt fix to the situation. When it didn’t happen, I finally began to simply pray for strength for the journey instead of healing and restoration. Jesus was allowed to work in other areas of my life, but the issue of having children was hidden, “safe” behind unbreakable walls.
As a result, my heart and mind were filled with cluttering thoughts of negativity, worry, and finally bitterness.
The harsh reality of constant battles with illness can fill our lives with discouragement and doubt. It is difficult to commit an uncertain future while blaming the one seemingly responsible for our failing health. Yet we cannot fully trust God until we totally surrender the deep pain of hidden wounds underneath mounds of clutter.
Prayer: God, You are the only one who can completely handle the pain of our struggles. Give us grace in those hopeless situations. Teach me how to break down the walls and invite You in.
About the author:
Tracey Brown and her husband have both battled chronic illness for most of their lives. Allowing Jesus to work throughout their marriage brought forth God’s grace in difficult circumstances that accompany muscular dystrophy and kidney disease.
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What hidden areas do you need to let God have control?
- What Does God Do With a Broken Heart? (chronicillnesspaindevotionals.wordpress.com)